I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
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