did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
