I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
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