apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
