if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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