I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I need a beard to bite.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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