I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
