When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
