Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
