I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
