found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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