There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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