But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
