i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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