is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
