Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
