Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
