I'm so fucking centered right now
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
