I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize