In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
