Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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