Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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