you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
