Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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