So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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