Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
