I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
