Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
