Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
