I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
