let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
