you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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