make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
