her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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