I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
