The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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