I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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