he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
