note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
He passed out mid-signature
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
