Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
