I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
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