I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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