Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
