6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
