I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
