matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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