i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
