I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
