Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
