There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
