he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
