My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Randomize
