Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
