I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
