Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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